"H-heh!?"

“Kimi.”

I said it again, taking a step toward her. I kept note of how the word felt when it passed through my lips.

She looked a little uneasy. Like she didn’t even recognize me.

I don’t blame her. If I were her, I’d do the same. Actually, I’m not surprised at all. This was only natural.

It didn’t bother me.

“I like you.”

I don’t know why I said it. It was pointless. But, those were the words that came out of my mouth then. Should I have said something different? Should I have said anything then?

I couldn’t make out her face, since it was blurry, so I didn’t know what expression she was making. But, I could see that she was now walking away, out the other door to the courtyard. She was leaving me.

“Hey, wait .. !”

I chased after her. I didn’t want to, as I was clearly upsetting her. But there was something I had to know. There was something I must know.

If someone asks me, “What’s her name?,” I now know the answer. But, what about the other questions on the test? Do you like me? Do I like you? What are you thinking?

What am I supposed to do if I’m quizzed on the material again? I can’t afford another failure, Kimi.

Please, Kimi. You’re the only one that can help me.

What if someone asks me, “When were you last happy?” “When were you last sad?” “What feelings do you have?” How should I answer? You have the answer, Kimi. I know you do. You’re the only one who knows something that I have to know. That I must know.

If someone calls me a failure, if someone belittles me to no end, what am I supposed to do? Tell me, Kimi, what should I do?

You know everything Kimi. You know it, so why won’t you tell me?

I chased after her. The more I chased, the faster she ran. The faster she ran, the faster I ran.

We went on every road. Through every hallway. Over every hill.

Eventually, we had reached a clearing. Not with any sign of humanity, yet someone had definitely been here before.

She had collapsed from fatigue. It was odd; anyone who knew her disposition should expect more from her. Why wasn’t she putting up a fight? Why was she giving in so easily? The usual Kimi was infamous for her sporadic beatdowns, unleashing a glorious victory each time at the drop of a hat. The only ones who stood a chance against her were God and God Herself.

But, I didn’t need to ask. I knew the answer.

Every other time, I had already given up before I even confronted her. I was so scared that I would be embarrassed, that I didn’t even bother. But things have changed now. Now, I was not only the architect behind this scenario, I directed every occurrence within it as it progressed. That is, now, I was God and God Himself, and the white faced mortal which stood before me stood no chance. It was vengeance to perfection. This couldn’t get any better.

“Kimi, what’s the answer? Will you tell me the answer?”

He limped as he trudged toward her. A cramp had gotten the better of his calf muscle.

She still lay on the ground without a word. Was she really out?

“Aim For That Castle Of The Sky.”

It was that deep voice again. I could hear it very clearly. I understood the message, so I didn’t care where it came from.

He knelt in front of her body, picking up an arm. There was no movement. She was like a corpse. A corpse with a pulse.

“Kimi, I have to tell you something.” His voice was raspy.

“Kimi, I'm the only one who understands you. I'm the only one who gets you. The solace you claim reality can't sustain for you. I can bring you there. I know how to. You no longer have to live in your dreams.

“I've realized. Being able to do "nice" things with you never satisfied me like I thought it would. It was never enough for me.”

He took a deep breath.

“I don’t need an other half. I’m already whole.”

He gently pushed on the counters of her palm to get a feel of its constitution. It was another human’s flesh. Springy, so still alive.

“Think about it, Kimi. If you really liked math, why do you always live in your dreams, where nothing makes sense? Where the laws of the universe don't matter, and the same math problem can have multiple answers. That in itself is contradictory, no? Like you're dreaming in a dream …

“A problem has one, and only one answer. There may be multiple paths, but the destination is the same, right? Any other place you end up is wrong. That’s how it is, that’s how it’s always been. How the universe has always been.”

Her eyes were closed. She was breathing steadily. Her body was there, but not her conscious.

“Now, I don’t claim to know all the inner workings of the universe, nor do I aspire to, but I can make inferences based off of data I collect in my short lifetime. I interact with my environment, then, I observe the results. From my conclusions, I make more hypotheses, I make more attempts to—emulate, what the fundamental laws of the universe might be. How the system of a conscious mind operates. Why our emotions drive us to do the things that we do.

“Listen, Kimi. I have a proposal. I want to—conduct, an experiment. Yes, that is what it is. It is just that. An experiment.

“I want to see, Kimi. I want to see how you react to having your skin slowly peeled off your chest. I want to see—I want to see your expression as you look down and witness in horror what the color of your internal organs look like.”

He began stripping the clothes off her body. There was no one else around, just them two.

“Kimi. You don’t have a choice. You never had one. Just like the laws of the universe govern everything, their processes for millennia have converged to this reality. This is a fact of life. No, I don’t know everything. But, I do know this. Right now, this is all I need to know.

“Eventually, I want to know everything. That way, I’ll never make a mistake again. I know, it sounds crazy, right? There’s no way that’s possible. Oh, but it is. I know it is. I told you, right? That the universe works on fundamental laws. Everything is like math, it has a right and a wrong. Therefore, logically speaking, there must exist a right way to do everything right.

“Now, I know I won’t do everything right at the start. The chances are too slim. I’ll get some things wrong. That’s natural. But, if I never do the things that are wrong, I’ll never know if those things really are wrong.”

His grimace remained ever malicious. Letting out a sigh, he looked down at his pocket as he rustled through it. From the cavity he manifested a small pill bottle. Rather than something you’d typically see in a drug store, however, it was pitch black, as if filled with darkness. When he shook it to confirm its contents, the sound of multiple pills could be heard rattling inside. He pushed and twisted off the top, also black, then tilted the open container onto his palm until a single fell down.

This pill was yet again perfectly absent of any color whatsoever, almost like he held a hole in space on his hand. No markings or seam were visible, just darkness.

“You know, humans are a really unfortunate species.” Kousuke admired the gem, moving his wrist around a little to see if he could catch any sign of light at a different angle. “Although in most cases, evolution progresses towards more desirable features, humans actively oppressed those who would bring glory to our kind. Our ancestors with their intelligence also brought prejudice into this world, and for centuries, whole races were deemed unfit by the unknowing shepherds of the past. To this day, the existence of color has plagued human civilization with unnecessary warfare and strife.”

The pill rolled over in his palm, revealing three capital letters which shined like gold, ‘STD.’

“You and me, as humans, we are weak. We stand no chance against the impending transformation which started months, no, centuries ago.” He closed his palm around the pill, “But, with this— with this, I can have a taste of that splendor our breed was destined to achieve.”

He popped the pill.

“I got this bottle here from my friend back in the classroom. He didn’t even hand it to me personally. As soon as I touched this, I understood everything immediately. It seems that he’s one of the few remaining men to put on a strong front, and have the talent to follow up on it, despite his genetic inferiority. There’s no denying our inevitable defeat in the impending war, so his solution is the only sensible one for our survival: to join their ranks. By concentrating *******, the key compound behind dominance, into these pills, even us pale imitations can evolve within our lifetime.”

He laughed, “Oh, how fortunate I am to be here now.”

His previously non present bulge began to expand in his pants. It stretched the linen until it began to practically rip at the seams.

“Say, how would you like to have a taste of perfection?” He poked at her lips with a smug grin?

“Hmm? Lost your sense of taste up here? No matter. There’s still another way.” His finger trailed down from her lips, across her chest, her belly, until finally …

“We can just use the lips here instead!”

With a sudden burst of strength, he ripped open her jeans with his two hands, creating a tear large enough where entry was no longer impeded.

If she knew what was happening, she might actually find this attractive herself, he thought to himself.

“Did you really think you could sate me forever?”

His member perked. It was time.

“I'm doing it.”

Raw. Pain. Red.

With how long she had withheld their first time, and his discovery of what he had just accomplished, he could only imagine what her prior expectations for her first time had been. Like any other damsel, she must have held high expectations. Like anyone else, she must have yearned for a true, romantic love. A euphoric experience.

He wouldn’t just disappoint those expectations. He would destroy them; completely wreck her inside out, so her dreams would not just be unattainable or unsalvageable, but a long forgotten memory of the past Kimiko Koizumi.

A moment to reprieve. The experience was just as significant for him. No... only his significance mattered anyways, so it's pointless to compare.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He furrowed his brows, pinching his forehead. It was a headache.

“Bury Them In The Ruins Of Your Dream.”

He opened his eyes. In front of him was not Kimi’s body, but the body of a fox.

He laughed. He laughed and he laughed and he laughed.

“That Is The Punishment Of The God Created By Man.”

“Kimi, you motherfucker. You probably think you're real special, huh? Everyone gets so excited over you, because of how deranged you make yourself out to be, how twisted your thoughts are and how attractive the train carrying them is. Well, you're not. You're not special, you're not the good kind of crazy. Actually, you're not crazy at all. You're just like everyone else: a human. Your works aren't some one in a lifetime stroke of genius to grace the multiverse. No, you don't know shit. You don't know what real dysphoria is like. They don't know either. That's why they applaud your originality. But I know. I know.”

Despise. A word with so much weight. Yet, still not nearly sufficient enough to depict the overwhelming mass of resentment bulging out the membranes of my somehow still intact emotional paradigm. A bulge of malice not too alien to a certain three letter acronym. Yes, you heard right. The apparition performing as antagonist is not short of odd; it's big, it's black, and it has one ambition alone: utterly depriving your soul of the confidence, pride, and complacency that defines your individual. Because along with their synonyms and complements, those attributes of yours are in fact so naively guilty of their transgressions towards my prudence that I must carry an urge to shout at them of their fate.

Kimi, this will not be a hate fuck. While at this point you may have the impression I "hate" you, I in fact feel nothing close to that general, clichéd term. Because, this will not be a "fuck" either. As broad as the definition is, your figure doesn't deserve anything short of and including getting fucked. No, I am not doing this out of vengeance or envy. This is my divine calling, the endless bliss, that for eternity I intend to utilize your constitution.

From the apex of your angelic appendages to the heads of your halcyon hair, you have been destined for one purpose: as the vessel for my entrance into the transcendent realm, free of material worry and desire. To that end I must indulge myself ceaselessly possessing your visage, for only your perfect pede has attained nigh enlightenment. Anything you could imagine I would do won't be enough. All the cursed media you, as so many others, have ridiculed, is negligent juxtaposed with my arrangement. All the labels you proudly jest in fearing, even combined their offense is still shy of worthy.

Ah, but, it would be rude of me if I weren't to even paint a picture so that you might relish in the paradise you're in while you still know it. Well, I'd be lying if I said that I wouldn't be starting more tame as well. For starters, as an appetizer for the pilot meal, a homage to the facial qualities as to address any lingering personal motives ahead of time. The cheeks. Lips. Mouth. Tongue. Colliding with my own in a hallmark first encounter. The nose. Invading your orifices, leaving marks of saliva. Eyes. Admittedly too large to be real, but real as far as real is nonetheless. The taste, texture. The smooth skin. Mmm. Many virginities will be taken.

I thought a rising action would be essential. But unfortunately, with a delectable so near, my psyche could not wait any longer. Already reaching a new level of high as I approach, I bare my most innate primalness. The main course: your feet.

He noticed a tear fall across her cheek, leading to a budding drop just on the edge of her chin.

"Uh oh, looks like you spilled something." His voice was slow and steady, nearly a whisper, "Here, let me clean it up for you."

He stuck out his tongue, curling it below the edge as if to caress it, before making a wet line straight up until the taste of her eyelashes registered. The new trail glistened on her skin, which was now purple from bruising. Upon the addition of her blood, this sheen will have seen a grand total of three unique bodily fluids from both participants. Only one was from him, for now.

He held her body up. A blow to the cheek. A knee to the stomach. These were the first to connect. She hunkered back down. Anyone who knew Kimi should know: a counter-attack was certainly in store.

But, there was no counter-attack.

“You've had your chance Kimi. You've twisted every muscle, and turned every organ of my body inside out. Now, I will save you. By doing the same to you.”

His hand hovered over her head, hesitatingly inching closer before landing on her face like the lunar module of Apollo 11 when it first made contact with the moon's surface. His thumb brushed on her upper lip, tickling the sensitive skin, before entering her mouth to grip both sides of her cheek. Gently, steadily, shakily, he held on.

With a sudden newfound burst of force, he ripped apart the skin of her face like a sheet of paper. A new color; instead of the blue and purple of bruises, he had found a new color. Crimson red, viscously spurting out and wetting the vicinity, like a sprinkler at the water park.

A bubble of blood formed from her mouth.

He bit chunks of flesh off her. Off her neck.

Blood of all kinds. Iron. Hot. Cold. He saw them all. He also drank them. Straight from the body.

He doesn’t remember how long he played with her body. At one point, he rode her back down a hill, holding her trademark twintails like handlebars.

It was the best time of his life.

But, eventually, it was not alive.

The corpse was a fox again. 拷狐 (Gouko).

What he killed wasn’t her. It was his identity.

Breathing slowly but heavily, he looked down. His hands were soaked crimson red. Bits of gore still remained on his palm and fingers. One of his fingernails was missing. When did it come off? He didn’t even realize it was gone. There was no pain. He felt no pain anywhere on his body. If he had to say how he felt. He felt— alive.

With his newfound vigor, he now saw things with a clarity which was previously attainable for him. He understood now that the corpse which lay before him was but a tool for his enlightenment. It was a tool. And now, it was nothing. He had no more use for it.

He glanced again at the cadaver. She had a smile on her face.

“Only You Made Me Forget My Dream.”

She was dead, and she had a smile on her face.

He felt no remorse. No regret. This was just a test, an experiment. Life meant nothing in the eternal pursuit of knowledge. This discovery will be one of many in the legacy of the Omnipotent. King of Questions. Because there shall be no question unanswerable, for I will know the answer to them all. To that end, any quest is possible for me. Not just possible, it will be done.

On the floor next to the sacrifice was a blade bathing in a puddle of blood.

‘How did it get there,’ isn’t the question he wants to answer.

He picked up the blade. He had never really seen one like this up close before. It was heavy. He could see his reflection on it.

It was much bigger than he had expected. The edge also had small divots all along it. It reminded him of a chainsaw.

There is one question …

He awkwardly flipped the abnormally large blade so that pointed down. He held the front of the handle up with his two hands like a flag. It was sharp.

… that he still doesn’t know the answer to.

He thrust the flag into his stomach.

What does death feel like?